Musings of Zoey Flowers
Bringing awareness to the bullshit people do and say
Musings of Zoey Flowers
Bringing awareness to the bullshit people do and say
How to Spot the Bullshit
None of us are perfect.
We all have our own bullshit.
These stories are simply from my experiences.
There's no negative vibes here, and there's no need to agree with everything or anything.
From my stories, take what you need.
Leave what doesn't serve you.
The One Who Thinks They're Always Right
Blah, blah, blah, "so technically I would be right."
These lovelies are so egotistical about their self-proclaimed brilliance, they always have a runaround BS statement, telling us how they're right even if, get this, they're wrong!
Here's the real issue: Some people just don't have any interest in putting work into learning something. Sure, they want the kudos for the "learning" the craft, but put no work into actually learning the craft. And when I say, putting in the work, I mean making the mistakes.
They don't make mistakes, thank you very much. So, they don't need to learn from their mistakes.
And here's the real kicker - Once they don't learn it, they make up shit to claim what they're saying is right.
So, if we make up some BS technicality statement, does that mean the moon can be made of cheese?
Lessons:
- No lesson here. There's no avoiding people who don't put work into "their" craft. They're everywhere, and it's infuriating because...we did the work! Y'know, we, as in the ones who were able to back up what they're saying because we learned it rather than stating some delusional version in a matter-of-factly tone to make others believe there's any credibility behind it.
The One Who Keeps Coming Back
Most of us have experienced that one who just keeps coming back, and it's usually an ex.
Nothing has changed. They have not changed, but they are just looking to check our temperature. They want to see if there's some kind of change of heart to talk to them.
Again, they don't plan to change, but there's a feeling of control that they are looking for. Do they still have a hold on us? Are we going to let them back in?
The hilarious part of this tactic is they try to come back as a victim. They'll also reach out during a time of significance, whether it be a birthday, special occasion, or a moment when they think we've found someone else.
Storytime:
I've had the same ex reach out for years. Each and every year on my birthday, there's that stupid message of playing the victim of how they're so sad not to be with me on my birthday.
Yet, when they actually had the chance to be there (again, for years), they did less than nothing. I wouldn't wish those types of birthdays on my worst enemy.
When he did have the chance to be with me on my birthdays, it was just a mind f**k, so he could take comfort in knowing I was with him for my special day, even though he had no plans to do anything or celebrate it in any way.
And after years of chances, there he is every year with the same messages, trying to victimize himself because he can no longer receive any energy, communication, or time of day at all from me.
Keep in mind - this doesn't make me special. A part of me knows he has all his exes' birthdays in his phone calendar and sends the same message to everyone, hoping for one to take the bait.
Lessons:
- Blocking is a great tool. Block them on everything. Leave no room for communication! No one needs that manipulation or toxicity in their lives. P.S. Google, do better to block - their messages show up in the other folders
- Know that if they actually cared to keep us happy, they would have changed things when they actually had the chance. It's not always just a relationship they have issues in; People have demons that they fight through by treating others poorly. But, their fight doesn't have to be our fight.
The One Who Screams and Demeans Anyone Who Won't Give Them Their Way
"You should be ashamed of yourself, and I would expect better from you."
When did people start thinking we would throw our dignity out the door because they're going to start yelling rude statements?
On top of that, what grown person screams unruly and degrading words to another grown person?
What the hell happened to manners?
Have some class!!!
Oh, that's right. They're on some delusional high horse where everyone needs to succumb to their demands.
One thing I know about people who just scream at others in a demeaning manner when they don't get their way; They're very alone in this life because no one, and I mean absolutely no one, would be happy being around this energy.
And it doesn't have to be physically alone. If they have someone around them, they either the same ugly energy or that other person has completely checked out of connecting with them.
Connecting with that negativity is toxic.
We all have to take shit from people, but that does not require pure disrespect from someone who has decided they can talk any which way they'd like towards us.
While we all tend to be polite to ugly souls (because who wants to argue with delusional, egotistical fools), that type of energy takes a piece of us when around it for too long.
And quite honestly, it's just better not to sink to that level.
Let the pigs, and only the pigs, play in that mud.
Lessons:
- Distance is key. Create that distance because there's only so much degradation we can tolerate.
The One Who Tells Those Blatant Lies
"Oh, that's preposterous! I would never do that. Never happened!"
And let the gaslighting begin!
It's bad enough when someone lies, but it's even more insulting when the lie is so obvious that they're either just insulting our intelligence or are too pompous to even put thought into the lie.
Storytime:
People lie. People lie all the time.
Some people put no thoughts into their lies.
However, I had to start thinking about what that has to do with me. The common element is them. That's their habit. That's their way of handling others in an attempt to get their way. That's their karma or lesson to receive later when they lie to the wrong person, and it backfires on them.
They way I see it, people who continuously tell bad lies are like those people who can't fight, yet bully others.
As Drita D'Avanzo said, "No one I know who can actually fight goes around picking on other people." That's because fighting isn't always fun (who likes getting punched in the face?!), and fighters don't need to go looking for problems to feed some insecurity.
Same concept here. People who have actually had a lie backfire on them or have seen what a lie can do don't tend to go around blatantly telling lies.
Lessons:
- Don't take the lies personally. Handle it professionally, as in don't get emotional about it. It's not our problem to correct. That's their character flaw.
The One Who Thinks Their Position Gives Them the Power to Look Down on Others
“Money, power, respect. It’s the key to life.”
Yes, these elements bring a certain comfort to our lives, but it should never blur our vision on where we came from or deliver a false illusion of importance.
A position, like any other, can be taken just as quickly as it was given.
I’ve worked in male-dominated fields for most of my life, so I’ve dealt with a bit of gender bias and many underestimating what I can do, especially when they believed their position gave them that power and prominence.
Storytime:
"I have a masters degree in engineering." in my Howard Wolowitz voice.
During my masters program , I took a course with a new professor. There were eight of us in the class, and I was the only female. A total of two exams were given for the semester, and each exam took us five hours. A formula could not be applied unless it was first proven.
When the exam grades were in, we had to personally see the professor. He printed out an excel sheet with our student numbers and grades beside it.
When he looked at my student number, he said, “Surprisingly, you did well.”
I scanned his excel sheet, and said, “Surprisingly, I earned the highest score in your course.”
I left out the part where I also tutored three out of his other seven students.
Lessons:
- We may be trying to get woke, but some people still believe in those old school gender roles - as in the woman tends to the home and the man brings home the paycheck. Oh, honey. In my household, I do both; As do many others as well.
- Even if they are in a higher position, there should always be a level of respect. Should that position give them a reason to talk down to us, the same level of pettiness can also be returned, if needed. It is not our job to teach others how to act like a professional. HR should’ve checked that during their hiring process.
The One Who Should Win Just Because They Came
Those fuckin participation trophies just messed it up for everyone. They played, so they won?! Isn’t it they played, did the work, practiced, beat all the other teams, then they won?
Am I out of touch here???
So, now, it’s embedded in their heads that as long as they show up, they should win. And it’s not just in sports; it carried over to their future endeavors.
Registered up for an advanced engineering course? Automatic grade of A for even showing up!
Recorded and uploaded a video? Of course, it needs to go viral!
Went to the gym and signed up for a kickboxing course? Why, yes! They are instantaneously one of the best fighters to have graced our presence!
Like, whaaaaa???
No, that’s not how life works!
Lessons:
- Showing up is just the first step. And even when we work hard, sometimes, we still won’t get what we want, but we put the work in to help us get where we need to be. Hard work is a skill; it’s a respected skill, and if they don’t know how to work hard for what they want, they also won’t know what it’s like to truly achieve something, well, past the participation trophy part.
The One Who is Quick to Point Out Our Errors
Here’s the thing about someone who is quick to point out someone’s errors. Yes, they may be just a know-it-all and have that trait in them, but in many cases, they are looking to make us look like we don’t know what we’re doing. They have it out for us in some way. Maybe they took offense to something we did or said (as if our world revolved around them), but now, they want to make sure we know they saw our mistakes.
HOWEVER, while we are all human and do make mistakes, the bullshit behind this type of person is that they’re so excited to point out the error that they rushed and made a mistake of their own. Ever catch that? They want to point out our mistakes so badly that they ended up fucking up instead.
I’ll be honest. I’ve had to pull back the gloating back just a bit (ok, a lot!) when things like that happen because I knew they were not trying to help, but rather trying to show that I didn’t know what I was doing.
Lessons:
- Someone who wants to spend time and takes pleasure in pointing out someone’s mistakes for the sole purpose of showing they’re wrong needs to get a life. Real quick and in a hurry. Don’t bother these type if they try to get to you. They’re sad enough all by themselves.
- Try not to gloat if the tables turn, and they end up being wrong. The desire to do so will be there! It’s like, “No, Boo Boo. The mistake was yours, not mine.”
The One Who is Threatened by Others’ Accomplishments
“You should know this! Aren’t you a…? Didn’t you…?”
Why are they so concerned with what we did and what we should know?
Because they’re threatened by it. Their insecurities are flailing, and they’re showcasing it!
Storytime:
With my background and education, people have tried to question me since my 20s. And they all have that one thing in common - they’re trying to make themselves feel better by insinuating they know more about my field. Now, that would be fine if they did, but most of the time, they read an article or listened to some podcast, and with these new words, they think they’re going to talk down to me as if they can’t believe I’m educated in this particular field.
A podcast cannot replace years of work!
I once even had a plumbing issue where one guy tried to tell me I should know the issue. Keep in mind, plumbing is not the field I am educated in, but to him, he was trying to play the “you should know this” card, because of my work (which again, has nothing to do with plumbing!).
Lessons:
- If they are truly trying to have a conversation about a topic (and maybe unintentionally questioning our knowledge), the truth will lie in the details. Keep the conversation going. An article or podcast only covers so much, so that’s usually regurgitation rather than original thought. Talk about it. If they can’t go any further, they will usually change the subject or stop the conversation. Those who are truly knowledgeable are not afraid to ask if they don’t know, and that will move the dialogue forward!
The One Who Pretends to Be Confused
Oh, there is always that one who tries to get away with something, but then, when they get busted….no, no, there was no bad intent. They were just confused! They didn’t understand! They had no idea that it wasn’t permitted, or those were the rules.
I mean, take your pick here!
My favorite part? They keep annoying us until we see it their way.
Since they got caught or we’re not dealing with it anymore, they will keep hounding us until we believe their story or agree to their terms. Ever hear the phrase, “catch more flies with honey.” Yea, that’s not something they do. Their persistence is not nice, nor do they know when to stop.
So, with that, I’ll stop here.
Lessons:
- How do we handle someone like this? With cold hard facts. With evidence that backs them up against a wall. That’s the only way they will stop, because they know there’s no convincing us. The truth is right there. Ok, so it may not stop all of them, but it brings down the steam.
The One Who is Never Happy for You
You achieved something! It’s time to celebrate something! Shit, you had a good day!
And this person can’t be happy for you…ever.
They’re what we refer to as a hater.
Storytime:
When I bought my beautiful luxury sports car (my first real purchase when I was younger!), I had to show one of my family members. As she came out to look at it, she stared at it, then turned around and went back inside her mom’s house.
Not even a fake utter of excitement? Nothing???
She wouldn't even look inside it, nor go for a ride (not that I even had a chance to offer).
This is what we call a hater.
Even if they’re not happy for us, damn….they can’t even fake it for the moment?
Nope!
Lessons:
- Fuck the “no new friends” mindset. We need to evolve our circle if the ones around us are not building us up.
- There’s a difference between tough love and someone who just can’t be happy for us, unless it benefits them as well.
The One Who Thinks They’re Intelligently Insulting You
Whew! That one flew right over our heads.
Except it didn’t.
There is the one who always thinks they’re the smartest person in the room and exhibits that belief by subtly throwing insults….and then, thinking nobody notices!
They’re not fooling anyone.
Storytime:
After I had surgery, my blood pressure spiked. It was a false alarm, but they sent in a doctor who was a younger female. As I was expressing some concerns, she kept saying, “Oh, bless your heart.”
Oh, sweetie. I went to college in the south before you were even born. You’re not fooling anyone by saying that to me. I kept my manners intact, because well, I have them.
After the “let’s check your blood pressure again” game, I asked her when I could train again. I needed to box, yoga, just be physical, and she gave me the generic, “Oh, just listen to your body” response.
She, however, did not inform me that she prescribed Ozempic. I only found out about it after I picked up my other prescription. Ozempic?! Bitch, did I ask for that? No, I asked when I could train again. Besides the fact that it’s wildly unethical (I get it. People are using it), I didn’t ask for it in any way.
Not to mention the fact that I am terrified of needles so trying to prick myself with one would be like a dog chasing their own tail. I’d be trying to prick and trying to run away all at the same time.
Lessons:
- Listen, there’s always someone who thinks they’re just brilliant, and the rest of us have no clue about their little zingers. They’re usually a younger individual who has just accomplished some kind of academia or job promotion. While it’s great to be proud of themselves, bringing others down to justify the accomplishment is a reflection of their insecurity and need to feed their ego. Don’t take it personal.
- Just a side note to myself, I think I would ask her, “Do you not think we all know what you mean when you say, “Oh, bless your heart!”? Maybe it will stop her in her tracks for the next person she decides to throw that expression to.
The One Who is a Shady Friend
We’ve all had a shady friend or two. Loyalty may be different for each person, but there’s a standard level of decency in all friendships. “There’s rules, guidelines, and codes we obey.”
For instance, we don’t snitch out friends for sport, and we definitely don’t go out seeking a friend’s ex. Yes, I’ve seen the movies. Sometimes, that shit just happens, but I’m talking about that shady friend who has witnessed a breakup and actively tries to go for a friend’s ex.
Storytime:
When a relationship ends, there are signs for outsiders to notice - no more social media stories or posts of the significant other, or even worse, those inspirational quotes (please stop that).
I dated someone long enough to have met their friends. When it ended, there was a clean wipeout of the relationship on my page. One of his friends picked up on that and suddenly, I was receiving DMs (why is it always the DM?) saying “Hey, beautiful.”
What is up with that, anyways? Those stupid, “hey” messages, like I’m going to be swept off my feet from that word. Needless to say, they went ignored. Then, there were responses to my stories (never posts, so no public evidence, right?) of some more, “Hey, lovely" or "You look great.”
Holy shit! To say I was annoyed was an understatement.
One, did he really think those lines worked? Second, did I seem like that type? Because I am not! And third, that is one mf shady move to actively try to hit on their friend's ex. You think I want someone like that in my circle…in any way?!
Blocked and buh-bye!
Lessons:
- Be very careful of the people we surround ourselves with. Who we choose to be around not only says a lot about us, but also influences how we move in life.
- If we’re dating someone with shady friends, maybe we should take a second look at how the person we’re dating moves. Birds of a feather do flock together.
The One Who Weaponizes Love
We get courted. We start to develop feelings for the other person. The feelings start to grow deeper. We believe we’ve found love.
And hook, line, sinker - they’ve got us right where they want us.
Let the games begin!!!
Now that they believe we’re “not going anywhere”, this is the time for them to test those boundaries. How much disrespect are we willing to tolerate, in the name of love?
Little by little, they will see what they can get away with. Each time they’re forgiven for bad behavior, the next time will be worse. If we get really mad, yet still give them another chance, things will actually start going well for a while; they’ll “behave” before striking again to let the heat die down.
Moral of the story: As long as we keep forgiving them, they’ll keep the cycle of disrespect going.
No one’s going to hold them back. They can do what they want without any real repercussions because in their head, we love them so much that we're not going anywhere. No matter what they do or how many times they do it.
Lessons:
- The cycle of disrespect continues as long as we decide to stick around for it. We can never get that time back so once we become aware of the cycle, it's time to go.
- Never wait for someone to change. People are resistant to change. People also only effectively change when it's for themselves (never for someone else).
The One Who Thinks They’re Untouchable
Delusion can be a dangerous game. Thinking we will believe their delusion is even more treacherous. To tell a bold-faced lie to someone is one thing, but expecting us to just accept it and move on, no matter how much blatant the lie and how much it affects us, is quite another.
Storytime:
I’ve been working since the age of 7. Yes, the family business needed some cheap labor, which meant me. I saved my money and gave it to my mother to keep in a savings account for years. While she told me she invested some in stocks, I figured I could trust her with my money.
Work money, birthday money - I saved it all. I was a frugal child because I preferred squirreling away my cash for a rainy day. Even as a kid, I knew I wanted to buy a house one day so I would always have a home base.
Fast forward to my teenage years: My mother claimed she lost all my money in the stock market because the economy was bad. I did not remember agreeing to put all my money in stocks nor did I recall the economy being shit either.
Years later, I opened my own account, but since I wasn't 18, her name was also on the account. She didn’t even try to hide the siphoning behind a lie this time. She sat on my account for a couple of years, and then wiped my bank account clean…and then some (I'm talking in the negative - overdrawn!).
Well, I was a teenager when I set up the account, and my money was in an account that included her name. All was legal, right?
Mommy issues, anyone?
Lessons:
- There should be people we can trust in this world, but the reality is that some of us have to be cautious of everyone, including family members.
- Always protect your money. There are kids accounts where a custodian or parent oversees it, but it’s in the child’s name (Chase and Ally have pretty good ones). That way, each dime withdrawn has to be accounted for.
- It would be ideal to just say we can't let those betrayals jade us, but I’m not into fairy tales. Just be aware, be cautious, and try to remember there are people out there we can trust, but it will take time to filter them out. Blood doesn't equate to loyalty.
The One Who Tries to Play Everything Off
No one is going to take any blame for anything here. If they said it, or they did it, they’re also going to play it off like nothing happened. These types are funny because why play it off if they did it? They didn’t have any problem when it was happening…why not own up to it now?
This is similar to the kid that pushed their sibling, but when they got caught, nah…that little one fell, or they were just playing a game pretending to fall. Basically, it’s just a bad lie to play off the actions, but the point is not for us to believe the lie. The point is for us to look the other way after they play it off. They’re not interested in convincing us. They simply don’t want to have any repercussions.
Lessons:
- Listen. The more we try to call out this type, the more passionate they seem to tell the lies. Don’t waste energy. Call them out, and follow it up with, “but don’t worry about it. I’ll just know for next time,” knowing full well there won’t be a next time.
Next!!!
The One Who Ruins the Momentum
Whether professionally or personally, let’s say we set a goal for ourselves. We plan, set it up, and then it works! We’re on a roll. We’re hitting one target after the next, and it’s only a matter of time before we reach our goal.
Then, here they come. The one that puts our mindset in a whole other place, and now, we’re doubting ourselves again. Once that doubt is in place, our actions start to follow….and there goes our momentum.
Storytime:
I started writing when print magazines were still the more popular reading choice. After a lot of freelancing work, I started getting published in major publications. After pitching story after story to get published, the publications were now reaching out to me for stories. I was landing interviews for big articles. I was invited to cover events.
And then, I got what I thought would be my biggest gig, and I met my assistant editor.
To put it mildly, nothing I did was good. Nothing I wrote was good. She was questioning why I was even there. Mind you, this was also my first week. She got into my head before I could ever even start.
I knew it wasn’t the place for me, but even after I left, I started doubting myself. I became a managing editor, and my first month was spent looking over every word three times over. I didn’t think I could write anymore. I was questioning every sentence. I started questioning if my articles even flowed. Was it all just a jumbled-up piece of shit?
I took a huge pause from writing, because I didn’t think I could write. I told myself the start was all just beginner’s luck. I convinced myself that the assistant editor knew more about my writing, my story, my voice than I did.
Lessons:
- The ones that can do what we do know how to guide us towards getting better. They do not (ever!) just keep throwing one insult after the next, tearing down our confidence. If they have skills, they will be able to demonstrate and teach us to get better. If not, they’re just bitter.
- I don't care if we need a time-out. Never let that pause in momentum lead to quitting altogether. Pout, scream, rant, get it out, and then get back to working towards your goal! If it fuels us, it's important.
The One Who Sweeps Everything Under the Rug
Some of us grew up with parents, or even siblings, who never wanted to confront any issues, so it was swept under the rug, and we all continued to live our “perfect life”.
Bullshit!
I’ll also say it again - The way we do one thing is the way we do everything.
As everyone gets older, the same cycle is usually generated. The siblings had children or spouses that also played along and swept any real issues under the rug.
Here’s the problem. Sweep enough shit under the rug, and it’s going to start to smell. Those problems haven’t gone anywhere. They’re actually able to grow since the issues have never been addressed.
Storytime:
I grew up with the champion of sweeping shit under the rug. Spouse is cheating, kid ran away - everything is all good; Just make sure everyone shows up to play the perfect family scene during any important events and gatherings.
Everyone played the game at first, but c’mon, the fakeness can only last so long. The ones who want to actually talk and address the problems only have so long before they lose their shit or leave altogether from never being able to solve or even bring up one issue.
If we do distance ourselves, they will not allow that to taint their “perfect life” image, so now be ready for stories to fly about being a horrible human, and they will play the victim in every tale.
Lessons:
- The way someone like this makes everything right is through gifts. They will try to buy forgiveness or love, but just know, at the end of the day, what they’re really buying are our acting skills to play along in the perfect family. They want everyone to see that they’re doing everything right! Life is perfect! Only it isn’t.
- Illusion is a hell of a drug! They live in their specially-designed fairy land, and no one is taking them out of that into the harsh reality of life. If you try to confront them, usual responses include, “Well, what do you want me to do about it?” or “I can’t control that” or “Let’s just put it behind us.” Agreeing means we keep playing the role that everything is just fine.
- If we grew up in a household where issues were swept under the rug, awareness is key to break the cycle. Otherwise, we inadvertently stumble upon similar relationships, not knowing our subconscious is just going back to what we know, what is familiar to us.
The One Who Makes Excuses for Others’ Toxicity
"Oh, they didn't mean anything by it."
"They were probably confused. I would have done the same thing."
When there’s a toxic person disrespecting or manipulating others, there’s always a sidekick who makes them feel like they’re doing nothing wrong. These enablers just seem to be complicit with the other's toxic behavior! They’re the ones who try to laugh it off or make excuses for the other person’s jagged little moves.
The sidekick is that person’s puppet. They follow that toxic person around, getting their strings pulled. There’s no arguing with someone who is constantly seeking someone else's approval and says or does whatever they have to to stay in that person's good graces.
While this may be a strong need for a “cool friend” or the need to protect the other person, it’s not for us to figure out.
Lessons:
- We can always identify this person by the way they talk. They’re either always telling some story about them and their puppet master, I mean…friend. They try to showcase how tight they are. They also always, always, always defend the other person's actions, no matter how much proof is in their face. Because, they don’t care. It’s a codependent relationship!
- If there is ever a disagreement with either party, don’t ever tell this person shit! Don't try to make them see the reality of the situation. They may seem comforting and neutral while listening, but they will run right back to their toxic person. Most of the time, they'll twist the details in their favor to make us look like the bad guy. Then, here comes the new story, where we are the villain.
- This person is not exempt from their "friend's" wrath either. Their toxic buddy will always unleash on them, as needed. The only difference is that they will always go back and defend those toxic actions. Again, never get involved in that codependent relationship!
The One Who Purposely Keeps Trying to Push Your Buttons
Maturity and respect isn’t something that everyone has.
There are people who decide they don't like something that we did, or even something that we had nothing to do with, and target us. They keep trying to push your buttons or throw some shade our way (hello, immaturity!).
If we try to confront them on the matter, it only makes it worse because it shows them they got to you, so they’ll pretend they didn’t understand you (or don’t really care to) and just keep doing the same thing.
What’s that saying? Chivalry is dead? Well, manners are also pretty hard to come by these days as well.
Lessons:
- Confronting them only fuels them. Pushing their buttons in return only means we’re playing their game. With these people who need to feel better by trying to bring someone else down, what else can we do, but demonstrate that we will not accept this treatment? Show that this is not acceptable behavior. If we have to work together, fine, there will be talk when needed, but it will be strictly professional and then get away from us; No favors, no emotion, no getting to us.
- If it’s a personal space, it may be time to consider new friends if the ones we have keep trying to push our buttons, after we have stated that we don’t appreciate it. Our environment and the people we keep around us say a lot about who we are and influence how we carry ourselves.
The One Who Acts Clueless
“Oh, I was supposed to do that??? I had no idea!”
No matter if it was said, texted, emailed, a memo was sent, a carrier pigeon came….nothing! They had no clue! No, they did. They just didn’t want to do it, or it didn’t work for them. So, they didn’t do shit, and then acted like they didn’t know.
It could be in a workplace, activity place, any space, but that’s how they move in general.
Oh, but then, and this is my favorite part - here comes the switch-up! Since they didn’t do what needs to be done, they’re going to give us their options on how to redo it.
“Well, I can do this, or I can do that” and of course, they have to make it seem nice, so add on the “if that works for you.”
Well, no, what worked for us had already been covered. We’re not really here to hold another perfectly capable human’s hand to redo something that should have already been done. It’s not even the ones who perhaps do something incorrectly the first time (that’s fine, because at least, they tried). It’s the ones who don’t even try; they don’t do shit, and then come see you when it works for them or when they don’t want the repercussions.
As we can see, my tolerance for the ones who act like they didn't know (when they did!) is really low. Not only are they wasting people’s time by not doing what they were supposed to do, but then, they want to offer their options, wasting even more time!.
First of all, if those were potential options, we would have stated it. Second, the end.
Lessons:
- The ones who act stupid are frustrating, so play their game. Point out what was originally said, just like they don’t have a clue. If they’re going to act like they “had no idea”, then treat them as if they don’t have a clue. If they want to play, let’s play.
- If they try it again, repeat the previous step.
The One Who is Never to Blame
Deflection, pointing fingers, it’s always someone else’s fault….Man, it’s time to start creating some distance here.
Because we will never get through to them!!!
No matter what we say, how much evidence there is, they will never take any blame (and if they do, it’s usually temporary before they place the blame elsewhere).
Yes, the common denominator for all the drama is them. And they love it!
They feed off the power of being able to control someone else’s perspective with their stories, which is why they will never be motivated to change this blame game or take accountability. Hello, sociopathic tendencies!
Storytime:
I spent the day with my significant other at the time. He was one who always needed his friends around because well, attention is a hell of a drug. They came up with the brilliant idea to go over another friend’s place.
After over 8 hours of me just sitting at some strange place by myself (because they were those people that lived in the past and had to relive the past again and again by talking about it), I pretty much had enough and asked to leave.
The icing on the cake?
He decided to get mad at me about it, saying he didn’t even want to go there, but we dragged him there. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Why would I be the one to “drag” him to his own friend’s place? Exactly!!!
But again, he just needed someone to blame. Things are never his fault.
How dare I?!
Lessons:
- Who’s changing? Not them. If we have to put up with them (such as a work environment), keep the tone almost robotic - Here are the facts. Here is the response. Have a lovely day.
- If it’s a personal relationship, such as a friend or significant other, well…we all make choices, but one of those choices is to understand that they are never to blame for anything…ever, so don’t expect any accountability. At best, they will take temporary blame just to shut us up. After a while, they’ll blame someone else for the same situation.
The One Who is Passive Aggressive
The passive aggressive ones are usually a bit trickier to spot because they have a little smoke-and-mirrors deflection method. Usually, they’ll test the waters out first, like sending an “Oh, ok” text response (that means the convo is over, and their feelings are hurt) or leaving us out of an activity that they didn’t think we’d have any interest in.
There’s an “innocence” behind it. The extremely experienced passive aggressive ones usually have childlike demeanor to play up their innocent act.
Over time, their image starts to unravel. They’ll try the same trick(s) again and again, especially if they think they’re getting over on us. There might be more of those little passive-aggressive messages, or more events we won’t be invited to using the same reason.
Lessons:
- The passive aggressive ones may be trickier to spot, but once we do identify them, their tricks don’t change so their routine actually becomes predictable after a while. We can’t just call them out on their actions, though, because then they’ll play that “who, me?” wide-eyed innocent, doe act.
- To take on the passive aggressive ones, we have to call them out with the proof. If they’re telling lies behind your back, speak with the ones they’re lying to you about and confront them together. They are the ones who have to have their backs against the wall to even have a chance that they'll admit any wrongdoing.
The One Who is Tough (Behind Someone’s Back)
They’re badass and tough. They tell everyone no one wants to get on their bad side; those consequences would be dire. There’s only one flaw - they can’t fight.
Is there anything wrong with that? No, because fighting has its I-hate-it moments. It’s tiring, frustrating, and sporadically getting hit in the face as well as rocking some bruises is never fun.
But according to them, fighting them would be like taking on Mike Tyson (sidebar - I’d be terrified!).
Storytime:
There was a lady I knew in her 50’s (Yes! I said 50’s!!!). She had a very controlling demeanor, so if things didn’t go her way or people didn’t do as she wanted, she would just start mouthing off about it to anyone who would listen….except to the person she was talking about.
Funny how that usually happens.
Enter the rebel! I have never been someone who could people-please for too long. Politeness is one thing. Doing what someone tells me is quite another, as in not my forte; ask my parents!
Eventually, my rebellion pissed her off, and off her mouth went. The icing on the cake was when I saw her walking by one day, and she tried to stare me down. Usually, I wouldn’t entertain this, but I couldn’t stop laughing! This is a lady who would be out of breath after walking up a flight of stairs. The tough, fighting stare - she couldn’t be serious!
Lessons:
- This could just be more of a note to myself, but try not to laugh in someone’s face when they do their tough-person stance. They don’t like it.
- People who can fight do not usually make a whole speech to the congregation about how badass they are first.
- Never take the bait, like a stare down. It leads to dealing with them on their terms. Keep cool; it usually creates more emotional (and reckless) energy from them. Upper hand…taken!
- Fighting (and beating someone) never really solves anything. I know it’s such a cliche, but not one physical fight I’ve ever had has ever resolved any situation…ever.
- Let them be. We all need to let our rage out in some way - yoga, kickboxing, etc...maybe a tough-talk rant was their way of getting it out of their system.
- On the other side, while we should let them be, we should also not entertain any friends who talk like this, such as encouraging them, “Oh yea, you could totally take them!”. Don’t do that. People we least expect (especially these days) are trained in various forms of fighting. While I still don’t think fighting solves anything, I do know the tough talk puts it out in the universe for some kind of adversity to happen. If they can’t walk the walk, don’t talk the talk.
The One Who is Always Late
You can never get time back, yet there they aren’t!
Late again!
I said it before, and I will say it again - The way we do one thing is the way we do everything.
A person who is always late isn’t just late for outings. They’re late for work. They’re late on their bills. I’ve actually heard one person who owed me money say, “You’ll get the money when I get the money.” Keep in mind, I lent them the money when their car got repossessed (mistake), and it had been damn near a year later. Clearly, they never paid a real bill on time. If a power company were to get their money whenever that person got the money, they’d be paying for that bill in the dark.
People who are late all the time are on their own time; not the time they agreed to nor the time that the other party is waiting for them at. Everything happens on their time, and everyone should just be happy when they get there as they have graced us with their presence.
Lessons:
- Do not sit there every time and continuously wait for the person to come late. Enabling that behavior will only let them know they can keep doing it. They do not respect your time, so get up and do your own thing. If they want to spend time, then maybe they’ll learn to come on time rather than expect everyone else to wait on them.
- For any of the parents who are late every single time to pick up their kid: As someone who waits with their kid, let me paint you a picture of the other side. The child is excited, ready to go on time (sometimes, even just sitting outside, waiting), and when the other party is late, they just sit there. Over enough time, they question if the other parent is even coming (which sometimes, no, they don't show!). It’s psychologically and emotionally damaging to a child, and to their own child, at that. Stop! If you can’t make it on time (or crazy enough…early!), don’t even make the plans.
The One Who Doesn’t Listen and Gets Mad at Us for It
There are a few types of people who don’t listen. Usually, the ones who are just waiting to respond with their own input are the most popular, but this breed of non-listeners I’m referring to are the ones who don’t pay attention and then get upset when we say it again, reiterating that it’s already been stated.
Don’t get mad at us. They needed things repeated. We should be the ones getting mad because we have to repeat them. They’re wasting our time because they weren’t listening. Why are they mad???
Lessons:
- They can get upset all they want, but if we have to say something again after we just said it, there will be a side note that it was already covered! Yes, Petty Patty can come into play sometimes.
- There are times they will ask again, but it’s not what they want to hear. It’s almost like they’re trying to make you change your mind by asking you again, like, “Are you sure?” Well, since I said it, yes, yes, I am!
The One Who Tries to Weaponize the Past
We’ve all had our awkward stages. We've all had times that have not been our finest moments.
Sometimes, we also all have that one person who always needs to remind us of that time. They also bring up the past during the times when they’re feeling most insecure. For instance, we may be celebrating some kind of milestone or even calling them out (as a friend, of course) about something they should be aware of, and this is when they need to bring up that same tired old situation from years ago all over again to makes themselves feel better.
Storytime:
I have a temper. After someone got a little too brave and disrespected me one too may times, I reached my limit and slightly unleashed (not all the way).
The person who was also involved in this situation, to this day, never hesitates to bring up that moment. Now, never have I apologized for getting angry because I don’t believe I was in the wrong. There’s only so long that I will take being disrespected and if it gets to that point, the friendship has pretty much shifted anyways. However, I’ve noticed they always bring it up during their moments of insecurity, which serves as a means to make themselves feel better.
Lessons:
- Keep your distance from anyone who needs to weaponize past moments to put you down. And remember, we all have a past…no judgment!
- Keep it classy! Just because they keep bringing up a past moment doesn’t mean we need to match their energy. Don't ever start explaining to justify past actions, if they are just trying to get a rise out of us. Do not be pulled into their negativity!
The One Who Wants to be From the Hood
Have you ever seen the skit from Chapelle Show where this kid from the suburb screams, “I’m from the hood. G-G-G-G-unit!!!”?
Oh, I can’t even. Where do I even start? Well, let’s start with the fact that fiction is pulled from realistic situations.
There are a lot of people out there who try to act like they’re from the hood to gain….I don’t even know; is street cred even still a thing these days?
Listen (Linda, Linda…). The hood is not a fun place to be.
That’s why the people who are from there are always working on getting the fuck out!
Storytime:
My first home in this country was a one-bedroom motel room. There were four of us there. We later moved to a house. It was in the hood, but it was my first home. Fast forward to now having my own family. My child has grown up in the suburbs. It took a shitload of hard work from multiple generations of my family for that to happen. It took a lot of sacrifices, education, and just the sheer stubborn determination of not going back.
But my heart sinks and my spirit dies of laughter when I hear kids who live in our area, who have also never known a hood (well, maybe the location of one…but they have never called it their home!) try to come out like they’re about to throw a bandana on, wave some hand gestures at me, and have some kind of notion that it’s intimidating.
Oh, honey. Stop it. Thrive in your little safe suburban bubble. Your parent(s) worked too damn hard for you to be this ridiculous.
Lessons:
- The older generation is always (and I mean, always!) tougher than their next generation. There is nothing wrong with enjoying a nice suburban life. The elders worked hard so their kids, grandkids, great-grandkids can have better than them.
- I don’t care if they blast DMX, Mobb Deep, Eminem all day every day. Their is no need to discuss struggles that they have never gone through. Everyone has their own struggles in life, no matter where they're from; there is absolutely no need to create them!
The One Who Expects to Drive The Way They Drive
They don’t even have to be in the same car as you, but we’re expected to drive in the same manner they drive, even if it’s reckless or not in the same rush they are.
Storytime:
I was driving with my son through an affluent residential area, which has a standard 30mph speed limit. This car started riding closely behind me as a way to say speed up. Now, I’m already going 30. I have my kid in the car, AND cops are all up and down this block.
No, Mr./Mrs. Driver, I will not be bullied into partaking in your asshole tendencies. If you don’t like the way I drive, go around me.
The driver with the darkly tinted windows then proceeded to do just that and speed away, yet not even a block later, we were at the same stoplight with a cop right next to them. You better believe their driving style completely switched up.
Lessons:
- Drivers like this think they can ride up on your tail, even if you’re going the speed limit, and bully you into driving the way they want. Yet, they won’t be stopping to pay for your ticket if you get pulled over for it.
- Never give in to that bullying. There are drivers with their kids out on the road, trying to get from Point A to Point B. No one went out looking for a race, or looking to drive according to anyone else’s preference.
- As someone who used to drive a luxury sports car, yes, the power of the car is intoxicating. But again, there are drivers with kids on the road. Shit, there are teens nervous as hell driving out on the road. No one wants to deal with the drive-this-way-or-I’ll-ride-your-ass bullshit. Take that shit to the track, and leave everyone on the road alone!
The One Who is Entitled to All the Special Treatment
Make way for your royal highness!
These are the ones who expect others to drop whatever they have going on to meet their needs.
“Why, of course! I have been waiting to be in the grace of your presence.” (*in my fancy British voice)
Perhaps they were given everything they ever wanted when they wanted during childhood and believed when they got older, those same privileges should be extended by everyone.
Storytime:
I knew a person who went into a cosmetic medical spa (botox, facials, etc…) and stated they needed an appointment. Not make an appointment, but needed an appointment today...like, now.
While the receptionist was quite polite (self-control extraordinaire!), noting there were no available time slots today (much less, now). she was glad to schedule an appointment for another day.
"Never mind," they said, storming out of the place, as if not getting their way meant this business would lose the privilege of being at their beck and call.
Who…the….fuck…?
Are they secretly the Princess of Genovia? No they are not, because that woman (hey, Anne Hathaway) was lovely!
Lessons:
- Respect other people’s time, in personal and professional matters.
- The entitled will give a reason for why they need special treatment. “Oh, I need it done today because I will be out of town tomorrow.” Well, that lack of planning does not constitute an emergency for the other person.
- Never let someone like that get what they want because one time is all it takes for them to expect to get what they want (and when they want) every single time.
The One Who Consistently Tells Bad Lies (Nothing Adds Up!)
They put no thought into their lies. It’s just whatever works for the moment. And us, well, we are the ones expected to believe whatever flies out of their mouths.
Storytime:
I dated one guy who would cancel plans last-minute (how to live the single life without actually being single, anyone?) with the most ridiculous excuses.
“Oh, stay home and clean up. I’ll come by if I get time.”
What????
Then, when people would ask him where I was. He would say, “Oh, she’s mad at me again. Who knows why? I think she just likes being mad,” not divulging into the details of how I was disinvited and told to “stay home”.
Is your head spinning yet?
The delusion, the gaslighting, the stupidity of thinking anyone would believe those lies!
They were all so obvious, but this liar thought he was CIA-status slick.
Lessons:
- Don’t fight the lies. They will not budge, even if they said the sky was cheetah-print.
- These are the ones that say they hate drama, but that’s all their life consists of.
- I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Run away!!!! No one needs that kind of negative energy around them.
- Fantasy and delusion could be their drug of choice. Those who don’t buy into their lies will not last long in their lives (which may not be a bad thing).
The One Who Says All The Professional Words, Yet Says Nothing
There are some many types of the talkative ones who aren't actually saying anything. Today, we'll address the professional talkers.
They're the ones who are saying all the things with all the big words ("My objective is to maximize your peak performance"), but aren't actually saying anything. There's no details to the how "the peak performance will be maximized."
Storytime:
I was sitting with a group of acquaintances when one of them started talking about how he blasted a certain song every morning to get him motivated to work from home.
He was telling everyone he was in finance, and his friend was taking out this huge loan to open up one of the biggest clubs in the city.
I had some questions that piqued my interest in the story, but someone else jumped in and starting asking, "What type of loan was it? What was the collateral and/or down payment?"
And then......silence.
Case in point: If they can't give real details or explain it step-by-step like you're five years old until you understand the plan, they don't have a clue.
All that's happening is they're trying to confuse you with their big fancy sentences, yet their words are the only thing they've put thought into.
Smoke and mirrors, my friend.
Lessons:
- Don't ever work with someone whose plan you can't envision. Don't be fooled by some fancy words with no details to the plan explaining the how. When they say things like "maximize peak performance" (which is just bullshit), how do they plan to do it in step-by-step detail?
- What if this (insert obstacle here) happens? Do they have a contingency plan? If so, does that plan make any fuckin sense? Repeat with next obstacle that may be encountered.
The One Who Tells Your Stories
You tell them something, and they blab your business to someone else. If that happens, it's time for a new circle.
As a friend or even acquaintance, know that your business is just that...your business. If you confide in someone about it, it does not become their story to tell.
The blabbermouth doesn't gossip because it's an innate trait; they do it because they are starved for attention.
Let me say that again - THEY ARE STARVED FOR ATTENTION!
Lessons:
- Separate yourself (& your stories) from the blabbermouth. Privacy, especially in today's social media induced society, is a superpower.
- No one should be telling your story. You own your experiences and who you tell them to!
The One Who Named Himself Romeo
As an empath, I'm a magnet for narcissists.
I've dated two different guys who referred to themselves as Romeo (not a government name for either one).
Storytime:
The first Romeo was just a high school summer fling. Nothing serious. I mean...I couldn't truly take that "Romeo" thing seriously.
The second Romeo I met was in college. I actually didn't know about the name until later in our dating days, but he referred to himself as Romeo during the time of of AOL messaging (I never used the AOL messaging, so it was news to me).
Past the name is the arrogance that these guys had to even refer to themselves as Romeo. Neither was a romantic (nor in any way, noble), yet they believed they were so charming and irresistible to women that Romeo had to be their moniker.
Lessons:
If they gave themselves the name, Romeo...
- Run, bitch. Run!!!!
- Block ALL communication (Whatapp, phone, Facebook, Insta)
- Be aware narcissists always come back, and try to lovebomb (they're being all nice and attentive, stating they were so wrong to treat you that way and they'll never do that again). Again, referring to the first two points - Run and block them now!!!
The One Whose Brain is Better than Everyone Else's
Storytime:
Years ago, I met a woman in her late 20s. Upon our initial introduction, she began discussing how she was in school for her associates. Mind you, it was within the first five minutes being introduced to one another.
At first, I thought perhaps there was an insecurity for starting college later (which hey, not a thing wrong with it), so I went along with the conversation in an easygoing manner as a way to say no judgment. Throughout our following run-ins with each other, I still didn't really vibe with her, but would offer some encouraging words - "Wow! You're almost done!"
Yet, after she earned her associates, she starting giving professional advice to people and almost talking down to others, including myself.
Here's the thing. She didn't think I had an education because well, she never asked. She just assumed, and I don't usually just spitball about it because let me be very clear - degrees do not always equate to wisdom, knowledge, or even security these days. I am not defined by some pieces of paper. Nothing defines me!
However, I earned my advanced degrees over 10 years before I even met her. The funny thing is after she found out, she started to treat me nicer, which confirmed my suspicions on why I didn't vibe with her. She really just thought I was beneath her, and it was a piece of paper that changed it? Not my type of person!
Lessons:
- Anyone with real knowledge knows they really don't know anything at all because there is a constant need to learn, especially in this every-changing world.
- It's great to be proud of your accomplishments. Don't talk down to others like they haven't done it (even bigger and better) before you.
- Don't look down on people even if they haven't done what you've done because everyone is brilliant in their own lane. We just have to figure out our purpose to showcase that genius! Also, it's called respect.
The One Who Can't Face Reality
Delusion is a hell of a drug!
There are a few types who drink their own kool-aid, meaning they lie, but then they actually believe their tall tales! How does that even happen?
Note to self - Research literature reviews on the brainwave activity of sociopaths
They always have a story, and they are always the hero in their story.
One of the most popular places to see the delusion of reality is on Instagram, where people are traveling the world off credit or off mommy and daddy, all to snap a picture to make others envious of "their life".
Storytime:
I met one of the ultimate diluters of reality. He lived with his girlfriend for ten years, and when I say lived with her, I mean not a bill was paid by him. If she ever brought up the bills, he would state that he already lived in a big house (aka his mama's house). When she bought her first place, this guy showcased it to his friends as if it were "theirs".
Yet, only her name on the mortgage and only she was paying the bills - it was her place.
Those lies were just the tip of the iceberg. Almost twenty years after she left him, he still lives at his mama's house (and claims it's his place to those he's able to lie to, which means they're not that close to him to find out the truth). He has still never paid a consistent bill in his life.
Lessons:
- Don't lie to yourself. Thoughts can take form.
- Reality can be harsh, but it can also give you the realization of what needs to change, and awareness is always the first step to make moves.
- Never just take anyone's word for anything. Give yourself time to observe any and everyone. Over enough time, you will see either their consistency or the unraveling of their story.
- There are usually small hints within the first three months if someone's diluting their reality. Believe the red flags! Don't make excuses. If you have to rationalize their bullshit, it's just bullshit.
The One Who Has a Perfect Life
“I'm sexy, I'm cute! I'm popular to boot! I'm bitchin', great hair! The boys all love to stare!”
Oh, there’s always that person who portrays a perfect life. They have a great career, are making excellent money, and have found the true love of their life!
BULLSHIT!
Everyone who has lived knows life can be good, but that comes with a balance. Like everything in life, what goes up must come down. We can’t appreciate the good without knowing the bad.
Now, there are people who show gratitude, even during their tough times. Those are not the ones we are addressing here.
I’m talking about the ones who trade in their own happiness for the sake of portraying a perfect life.
Their over-the-top happy demeanor is fake and evident to anyone who really knows them, but that’s understandable. Someone can’t be happy when they’re faking the things that make them happy. They always keep topics at the surface level. They don't have any real hobbies or interests (or it goes as far as having a favorite sports team). They won't discuss anything with substance because then, the cracks in their perfect life will start to show.
Storytime:
I’ve watched one person, over the span of decades(!), show such a fear of living life and making a mistake that they just settled in every way that they could.
The great “love of their life” was more of an amicable agreement to display themselves as a couple. There was no chemistry. There was no spark (and sometimes, there was a side person satisfying the others’ needs).
Their fantastic career was one they claimed fueled them (it's okay to just have a way to pay the bills, man!), yet how could they know their life's work if they didn't know themselves? That would require trying things out, thus showing people a non-perfectly-figured-out life.
Oh, the horror!
Lessons:
- The way someone does one thing is usually the way they do everything. If someone just settles for the sake of being “safe” and appearing “perfect”, it is usually how they approach everything in every avenue of their life.
- If we spot a friend like this, well, we can always encourage them (no judgment!) to take a risk (though just know, change is usually met with resistance).
- Never be afraid to make a mistake. We all do! If anything, it’s just getting us closer to where we want to be because we’ve learned one more way on how not to do it.
- Fuck what people think! This is YOUR life. As long as you’re not hurting anyone, live the way that makes you feel happy. Do the things that make you feel free; you know, the thing that makes you lose track of time and you can’t wait to get back to it again!